From Stuffed to Starved

3 October 2015

Calzadilla de los Hermanillos/Leon

From Stuffed to Starved

The Wifi these past three days has been a challenge. It really excludes me from all connections as well as limits my ability to create my blog posts. The good news is that I'm managing well with my knee and my two inflamed toes are calming down. This is largely due to all your prayers. I'm so deeply grateful.

The Camino is a long level extent right now which is delightful for those who like to get their head in the the clouds and revel in God's thoughts and insights. Norma, the kind wife of Tom, whom I've been logging albergue stays and company shared with me a fascinating post from her Facebook page. It played out in my head with a little different language that connects with me better.

"I don't get a little bit out of prayer. I don't get a little bit out of church. AND I don't get a little bit out of God." Sounds like a popular complaint amongst our youth and even some of our adult friends. True? I know I've heard this all too often from those falling away from faith life.

As I reflected upon this statement and the dilemma of listening to those close to me turn from prayer, church, and even God, the comments came roaring back to me as my own attitude and position on those matters. In my 20's I was finishing college, starting a career, and blazing a new life direction. Prayer, church, and God were nice things that I put up on a shelf, and they could be called upon when I needed them, like seasoning off the shelf or a tool on a workbench. I knew where they were, but I didn't really need them to keep all MY plans moving forward. I can do it all my self, "thankyouverymuch."

I reflected upon that episode of my life when I lived the attitudes of not getting a little out of faith life. Today on the Camino I saw those days in a new light. In order to share this new insight I share a memory from Thanksgivings at my parent's home.

My precious little Italian momma loved us with food. Thanksgiving holidays were a love fest. She did not cook one meal, she cooked four big entrees: turkey, a ham, spaghetti, and a lasagna. Each were a favorite by a faminly member. The table cloth was unrecognizable by all the platters covering it. The meal would launch with a confusion of knives and forks hitting plates, multiple platters hovering over other monstrous platters, and the barking out of "pass the sweet potatoes" and the like. Because there were four full different meals, you were expected, dare I say demanded, to try at least a little from each. And this was only the first course.

Ma cooked artichokes like they were made back in Italy. OMG they were an ambrosia. No matter how much you've eaten, an artichoke the size of Muhammed Ali's fist was irresistable. In short order it was time to lounge in armchairs and relaxing that was all too soon followed by the offer for dessert, canolis. My sweet momma loved us with all the favorites until we were nothing short of . . . STUFFED.

So why do I share this gluttonous story? For this purpose of illustrating an episode in my life when I allowed myself to be STUFFED with myself. I was beginning my career, cutting a path toward my life direction, setting a course of following my plan. The thought of adding any time for prayer, church, and/or God was like considering a double Whopper burger right after the big meal. I made no room for God because I stuffed myself with, well myself.

Life has a way of taking surprising turns that are outside of the plan. This occurred in my life. Infertility, the death of my father, and personal challenges presented themselves. Suddenly I was not able to fill that hole in my heart with me. Gratefully I had a moment of decision. More of Me or more of God. It's amazing what happened when I gave up trying to be God of my life. The less I stuffed that God hole with other things, the more starved I became for more of Him.

I had the treasure of four years of spiritual direction with a very holy priest, Fr. Dan Hermmes. He used an illustration that has had a deep impression on me even these nearly 30 years later. He said, "Willie, when we fast from our selfish desires or voluntarily give up our own preferences for the good of serving another, it is like giving God a big ice cream scoop. He takes our fasts and uses them to scoop out our selfish clutter in our heart to make room for more of Jesus." It is true. The starving of self allows me to feel more of Jesus' peace and love.

The message on Facebook rang so true in my life today. "I don't get a little bit out of prayer." So true, I don't get a little, I get a lot. Prayer is that intimacy with the God who loves me beyond any measure. "I don't get a little out of church." No, I get a fountain of blessings by being in communion with fellow believers. I belong to a body of others who are striving to grow in the knowledge and service of Christ. And, "I don't get a little out of God." As the Facebook message pointed out, we have much to lose. "Ego, greed, depression, insecurity, fear of death." These are ugly qualities we lose, which is ultimately a gain." The riches we gain in prayer, church, and God are not little, they are huge.

So what might be denying me from further gain? How about you? In my case, I have to confess that in most cases it is due to some aspect of my life I'm still "stuffing" myself. An honest reflection will allow the truth of what that is. If I am getting so little out of any of these relationships with our Lord, it is my limitations, not His. He desperately craves to be in a deeper and more intimate relationship with me, with us, His children. But what room am I providing Him?

It's an enigma. Starving ourself of self is the path to stuffing us with more of his love and mercy.

I thank God for the hunger pangs of self to see it on this Camino journey. I pray it leads you to see that what He offers is not "a little" but a feast.

Be blessed

Deacon Willie