16 May 2013

Rabanal, just east of Cruz de Ferro
holiest shrine on Camino

Wait of the beam

Buen Camino

This was a difficult day for me. I don't know what thought might have overtaken me, but as soon as I awoke, staring at another camino day was such a challenge. Getting out of a warm bed in early morning, facing a cold, windy day of hard walking, and the strong possibility of rain was uninviting.

The words to one of my favorite songs rattled in my head:
God's Own Fool

"Seems I've imagined Him all of my life
Of the wisest of all of mankind
And if God's only wisdom
Was foolish to man
He must have been out of His mind

Come and follow God's own fool
Where only the foolish can tell
Be the unbelievable
Come be a fool as well

So surrender the hunger to say"I must know"
Have the courage to say, "I believe"
For the power of paradox
Opens our eyes
And blinds those who say they can see

Then you'll have the faith
His first followers had
And you'll feel the weight of the beam"

These lyrics rattled along for km after km and before long I was finding myself getting really down. I have loved my camino walk with Jesus. I have cherished the long chats Jesus and I are having. I have had no regrets as to the aches and pains and fearful challenges the camino path involves.

Until this morning. Here's where being the gracious and noble pilgrim fell short in me. As I walked along on this dreary day draped in dark cloud cover and grey horizon, the wind bit at my fingers until they pained me. The stiff breeze met us head on and the scenery was uninteresting.

Before long I had my first really disappointing thoughts. I had the "What am I doing this for? Look what this is costing me in pains and suffering. And what I'm missing."

Yes, I fell full blown into an account of all I am sorely missing. I walked along sorely missing so many things at home. I missed the sweet kiss of my honey. I missed my daughter and our daddy/daughter heart to heart talks. I missed my son and his wife and all that was happening in their life.

And most painfully, I miss my grandson. I cherish Thursday's, that would be today, my Papa care days for little Brady. I found myself consumed with emotion with how much this was costing me in watching him grow. Sure, only three weeks, but I missed him learning to crawl and all his baby babble sounds. I missed the feel of his little hand playing his eye glass thievery. I sorely missed the sound of his laughter as I blew into his Buddha belly.

I was one, blubbering cry baby at this point. I was so full-blown homesick. Gratefully, I was walking alone and could let myself have a big, ol cry. And I did, for quite a while.

I got to thinking, once again, of the words in this song. I love the song. It's my favorite. But the "you'll have the faith His first followers had," largely escaped me. I prayed and requested of friends to pray that "my faith is strong" for the camino. And I meant it. With stronger faith, I believed I could face all the challenges.

I thought, " Lord, I don't come close to the faith your first followers had. I'm no where close. This has been a faith challenge beyond me. I'm out of faith and strength right now, Lord."

Then the next line, " And you'll feel the weight of the beam." Jesus carried his beam, and we're called to pick up our cross and follow. Then we'll feel the weight of the beam planned for us.

The tearful pilgrim in me cried, "The beam's too heavy. I'm tired of it. I don't like carry it anymore."

Not a pretty picture for a pilgrim. True. I'm just being honest. I really struggled between the emotion of what I was missing and the idea of this heavy beam God had placed upon my shoulders.

I did feel the weight of the beam. The thoughts of all my homesickness today made my knees buckle under the weight of this timber stretched over my shoulders. And coincidentally, I developed a nagging pain between my shoulder blades from the weight of my pack. It hurst so.

For several hours God let me have a good, long cry and dwell on all I was missing. I imagined this beam on me and all the camino was costing me from home and loved ones. This beam's weight rested on me hour after hour, km after km. No let up.

At first I thought it was to be another reminder of "offering it up." I accepted the idea that this was the camino, and sacrifice is part of the pilgrimage. Then the song by Twilla Paris came on, "You're beautiful, the body of Christ."

Like a light switch, a new vision came over me. God gave me an image of the beam I had fashioned for myself for many years during episodes of my life. The qualities, "bigger, better, more and more came to mind. MORE and MORE and the 'faster the better' stood out. He let me see that the beam I had fashioned for myself was much heavier AND was much more difficult than the beam I was carrying.

Matthew 11: "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Learn from me for I am gentle and humble of heart. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light."

It was true. "How beautiful is the body of Christ" And His yoke is far easier and lighter.

More important than this awakening, was how God, our gentle teacher, let this be born in me. I recalled how, as parents and grandparents, we RUN when little Brady falls or gets hurt. We all dash to bring comfort and quiet his tears.

God was the patient teacher who let me settle into a long line of tearful thoughts. He let me wrestle a good long time under the weight of the beam.

He let me 'wait under the beam.' Rushing to lift it or bring quick comfort to one of his crying kids would have denied me this insight into my life. He was the good teacher who let me have the

Wait of the beam

It struck me that this is the technique of what a wise teacher and parent would do. Let his kids spend time learning for them self one of life's important lessons. The 'wait' gave a gift of time to let the lesson penetrate the heart, and to make it memorable.

Perhaps you have had a heartache for God to answer one of your prayers. It might well be a noble prayer. A prayer that would make life better and may just be desperately needed. The prayer might be an answer for a loved one who is struggling or failing. The silence in your prayer may not be a "NO' answer. It may be just to 'WAIT.'

Learn from God's lesson for me today.
Carinos, be strong under the

Wait of the beam

For He truly is gentle and humble of heart

Upcoming:
Cruz de Ferro, where the famous iron cross is located
Millions of pilgrims over the centuries leave a stone at the cross to represent the deepest heart desire and plea to God- for them self and for loved ones.

I leave one for you. Pray your heart's deepest desire to accompany me to place before the cross.

Carinosamente,

Deacon Willie